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Thread: Ashes [Story]

  1. #1
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    Ashes

    Prologue


    A miniscule flake took refuge on a little boy's nose.
    He blew it off with a quick breath to his nostrils, crossing his legs as his arms brushed against the dull, unneutered grass. The ground he was lying on was dry, small smidgens of dusty particles creating a bed of greyish-white blankets that stretched for miles across the valleys of The Land.
    This relaxed boy was Tod, an average child of The Land.
    Sitting up, Tod looked around, carefully surveying the misty environment enveloping his surroundings. The rustling of vegetation sounded from just behind him.
    "Paula?" He called out, getting on his knees and fingering the area around his eyes.
    The clouds of smoky mist made it almost impossible to see the figure. He jumped to his feet, and stretched his arms, his unfitting knit shirt rising above his belly button. Another rustle was heard.
    The boy began to get nervous. He wasn't supposed to be here. Crossing The Gates was forbidden in The Land. It was a crime punishable by excommunication. It was so, because of the dangers and wild animals that roamed the Outside.
    "Paula?" He announced once more, this time a hint of fear in his voice.
    The rustling continued, until the sound of dry grass was coming from about ten feet away. Now, the figures were vaguely visible. Two, tall, masculine shadows eclipsed the already dim Sun that was just above the horizon. Stick-like objects protruded from their torsos, jiggling with each heavy step.
    A thousand thoughts rushed through Tod's head. At first, only the thought of escaping the situation was running in his mind, but he was frozen in terror. His limbs didn't listen to his controls. His breath became quick and jumpy. The situation wasn't going to turn, as the figures got closer, closer, and ever closer.
    Tod collapsed, falling to the ground in a swift motion as his legs gave away to the cold ground, his eyes locked onto the strange figures that continued to close on him. The figures were so close that Tod was able to hear the rhythmic, mechanical breathing of the two monsters. Regretting was the only thing that he could do.
    Looking back in the direction of his home, he couldn't look back towards his certain doom. His neck was stiff, and his arms were weak. The adrenaline pumping through his veins were wearing out his premature body.
    Suddenly, a sturdy object brushed against Tod's shoulder. He felt a palpable glove, tightly woven with hard, leather-like threads. Slowly turning his head around, his eyes were wide with expectation of a mirage.
    Those hopes were dashed when the figure was clearly in front of Tod: a figure so unnatural and strange to him that he couldn't preclude from gasping the cold air.
    Just as he did, a second hand gripped at Tod's shirt, another at his mouth to muffle his screams.
    He stared into the insect-like compound eyes of his kidnappers, which reflected its surroundings. His face, mouth agape, was visible in the eyes. There were hundreds of holes where the mouth would be, and a nose-shaped bump stretched down to the holes. Tod had seen these faces before, in the dirty shed outside of his home. They were masks.
    Wiggling and writhing in the arms of his captures did no good, and screams were unable to be recognized under the gloves. Trying all he could, Tod desperately kicked and swiped at the figures.
    Fortunately, he was able to grasp at a mask latch, and quickly pull off the figure's masking. Tod was suddenly let go, and dropped to the ground. The unmasked man let out a sharp yowl, covering his face as he made coughing sounds a few seconds later.
    Seeing an opening, Tod ran, trails of dusty smoke floating behind soon after.
    The second man was too busy helping his partner to get the mask on, but when they noticed Tod's escape, they pursued. Tod was too desperate to look back, keeping his eyes forward to see The Gate. He was also too desperate to see that one of the figures had pulled out a weapon of sorts, which they aimed straight towards the escaping captive.
    Two blunt noises rang out, as Tod fell to the ground once more, yelping in a shocked voice.


    At that point, he woke up, hitting his head on the ceiling of his bedroom. His horrifying screams stopped, and he rubbed the general area where he had hit.
    He lied back down on his comfortable bed, his breath slowly regulating to his normal, relaxed tempo. He had enough of his childhood nightmares. He needed to stop them, and there was only one way.

    -------------------------

    How is it? Too much mystery? Too many questions unanswered?
    Last edited by Montros; 10-08-2010 at 08:06 PM.

    "You're a Booby" ~William the Troll

  2. #2
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    I like it. Then again, I like being left in the dark with a "wtf is going on here?" kind of feeling, so long as you drop small hints along the way to keep me interested...

    It was a game I played all through the Dark Tower series... and I loved it.

    But anywho, there were a few places where I questioned word choice. The one that I can remember right now was "palpable," in "It was palpable, as he recognized it as a tightly-woven glove."... it may be technically the rigt word, but it still sounded off, so you might want to change it.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    I like it. Then again, I like being left in the dark with a "wtf is going on here?" kind of feeling, so long as you drop small hints along the way to keep me interested...

    It was a game I played all through the Dark Tower series... and I loved it.

    But anywho, there were a few places where I questioned word choice. The one that I can remember right now was "palpable," in "It was palpable, as he recognized it as a tightly-woven glove."... it may be technically the rigt word, but it still sounded off, so you might want to change it.
    Thanks. I also love throwing readers off at the first few sentences. If you stick to it, you'll slowly understand the story.

    I had alot of problems with word choice as well. I think I'll edit it to "He felt a palpable glove, tightly woven with hard, leather-like threads."

    "You're a Booby" ~William the Troll

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    You know what I alway say, so I wont say it here as I know you already know what I was supposed to say.
    http://i765.photobucket.com/albums/xx292/morgana5/Forum%20Sigs/jannge.png
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    Never forget those who died in WW2
    Quote Originally Posted by Holeypaladin View Post
    That's just funny.

    Jannge is awesome.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-DwjX-0E_8

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by jannge View Post
    You know what I alway say, so I wont say it here as I know you already know what I was supposed to say.
    You're a banana?

    Okay, okay... Just need to get to my Dad's computer, and...delete....this thread....

    "You're a Booby" ~William the Troll

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