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Thread: The Revolver (Story)

  1. #1
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    Default The Revolver (Story)

    Yeah, I'm trying a story out. Not sure if I'll completely finish this, so it may just be a short story, and may become a full "book" if there's enough popularity and determination in my god-forsaken soul.

    The story's based off of the American West. I'm trying this out, seeing if this is the right theme for me, so don't be a hard-ass.

    I'll be posting my Prologue tomorrow. Stay tuned!

    "You're a Booby" ~William the Troll

  2. #2
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    Prologue

    You’d think a legend and hero of the west would be treated with care and praise. You’d think a savior and gift of God himself would be a good role model to those little toddlers that run around the lot with fake six-shooters and phony ponies, acting like the kings of the world. You’d think that, when the man died, everyone would grieve and weep instead of celebrate around a fire and take a sigh of relief to the fact that another stealing, cheating, killing madman was gone.
    Well, that’s what happened to a man named Adam Lewis. At least, that’s what everyone called him. As good and fair of a man he was, he was destined to suffer his entire life protecting his citizens, and no one gave a damn with the exception of a few loyal friends. This is the story of a true hero of the wild, Wild West. This is the story of Adam Lewis.


    “Put ‘em down, Freddy. I’m not gonna say this again.”
    “Shut ‘chur goddamn mouth, Adam! You ain’t got nothin’ t’do with this!” a man hollered from across the room, obviously enraged. The bison-like man, at the height of 6’10 and covered with bulging muscles, was suspending a drunken man by the collar against a wall, crushing him with his monstrous arms.
    “I’m warning you, Freddy. I wouldn’t want to shoot you here, you’re not this kind of killin’ man.” Adam tried to explain. He was inching closer to Freddy, hopefully to grabbing range, or if it got dirty, shooting distance.
    Freddy immediately threw down the captive man, and turned towards Adam in one, clumsy motion. With lengthy footsteps that made the wood-panel floors creek uncomfortably. As of now, everyone in the saloon had their eyes on what was about to happen.
    “You wouldn’t shoot me, not even if yer’ life depended on it.” Freddy declared, a smug smile on his face. Everyone knew that Freddy had a gun on him, and some took the choice to leave before it got ugly.
    “… You challengin’ me?”
    A few men barged through the saloon doors, acting like half-assed heroes before noticing the situation, and quickly regretting their decision. They took partial cover behind the Marshal, who stood still in his place, unshaken and immobile.
    “Enough. Freddy, we all know how you are when you’re drunk, and we need you. We’ve been through too much together. “ One of the town deputies came around behind Adam, supporting his cause.
    “Now just stay—“
    “Back off.” Freddy cut off the Deputy, and pulled out his revolver: something Adam had predicted and already planned against. Like a mirror image, Adam revealed his own gun.
    “God damn it, Freddy.” Adam couldn’t stop himself from saying, as Freddy aimed his weapon towards him. The tension in the room quickly escalated into something of a hold up, where none dared to speak out.
    Freddy scratched at his unkempt beard, obviously cocky about the current situation. “Well well, seems as though the Town Marshal can’t keep his promise. Are ya gonna shoot me now, Adam? C’mon!”
    A hoarse chuckle followed from Freddy’s throat. The two gunmen were frozen in their stances, the deputy’s hand shaking chaotically with a revolver set loosely in his grip. An amateur, in the two rivals’ eyes. Without a doubt, the deputy would be the first to go if one of them were to fire.
    “Are ya gonna to shoot me or not!” Freddy questioned, his smug smile now a thing of the past.
    Adam failed to respond, holding his gun confidently aimed at Freddy’s head. In his hazel eyes , people could see the pity he had for Freddy. The eyes of a true friend who would be scarred if he were to kill a man like Freddy.
    Freddy was misunderstood. He couldn’t hold his whiskey, but he was a good man and kept his promises and debts. He owed no money, but the exact opposite. People, such as the man he had been strangling a few minutes ago, owed him. And Freddy hated people who didn’t keep their words.
    “I’m gonna count to three, Freddy. Now you’re gonna put down that gun, and no one’s gonna get hurt. Got it?” The deputy managed, in his weak, shaky voice.
    “You shut ‘chur ass up, Charles!” Freddy pointed an accusing finger to the cowering man, his breathing getting heavy.
    “Quiet, Charlie. No need for you in this,” ordered Adam“get everyone out.”
    Switching between Adam and Freddy, deputy Charlie, disgruntled, holstered his weapon and slowly backed away, and motioned for the rest in the saloon to do the same. The owner of the saloon protested for a while, before rushing out for fear of his life. The only one left was the man who owed Freddy money.
    “One,” Adam began
    “You won’t do it.” Freddy bet, checking his revolver and seeing that it was full.
    “Two,” Adam continued his count, pulling the hammer of his gun.
    “I still don’t here that ‘Three’.” Freddy said. Adam could see that Freddy was being emotionally stressed, but would still kill him if need be.
    A long silence hung between them, as Freddy waited for Adam to make the move, and Adam waited for Freddy to pull his weapon down.
    “I knew you couldn’t do it.” Freddy shook his head, and put his revolver to his captive’s head, who then squeaked in dread. He was about to make the move, and Adam wouldn’t allow that.
    At that moment, everything paused. Time stopped in its tracks, as Adam focused his sights on his target. Even the dust in the air paused magically in the air, as adrenaline pumped through his veins, the only sound being his heart beating rapidly, spreading waves of sound throughout his body. A strange emotion was printed onto Freddy’s face, and it almost looked like a sad expression. Either way, Freddy was about to die. It was too late for him, as Adam put his sights down on Freddy’s head, and pulled the trigger.


    “Why’d you do it?” The deputy asked the Town Marshal, who was sitting in his desk, filling out a piece of paper.
    Adam hesitated. “Because, Freddy’s just the way he is. He’s Freddy. Nothin’ would have changed that, and I had to stop him.”
    “Well, y’know some people are gonna be… Angry, about this,” pointed out the Deputy.
    He was right. Freddy wasn’t stupid. He had connections, and with what happened to him, there was going to be more trouble than Adam had right now, which only made things worse. Adam already had enough on his plate. He didn’t need seconds.
    “I’ll deal with them. Trust me,” Adam stood up, and gave Charles the piece of paper. It was a death report “Every, single, one of them.”
    Last edited by Montros; 12-21-2010 at 09:54 PM.

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  3. #3
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    Poor Freddy


    Good work.
    "You're kinda' cute!"
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    All in all, I think the biggest complaint I can come up with is that your language gets a little clunky in some places. I'll point out the most annoying, but otherwise, I likes it a lot. Well-paced scene, good tension-building, all of that. The first two paragraphs were particularly good for an intro.

    Quote Originally Posted by Montros View Post
    Well, that?s what happened to a man named Adam Lewis, or that?s what everyone called him.
    I'd change that into two sentences, or else the rhythm of the paragraph is thrown off. Try: "... named Adam Lewis. At least, that's what..."

    Quote Originally Posted by Montros View Post
    As good and fair of a man he was, he was destined to suffer his entire life for protecting his citizens, and no one gave a damn [removed words] except a few loyal friends.
    A little wordy. (changes in red above.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Montros View Post
    ?Enough. Freddy, we all know how you are when you?re drunk, and we need you. We?ve been through too much together. ? One of the town deputies came around behind Adam, supporting his cause.

    I had to reread to understand this. The rapid-fire dialogue makes it easy to expect Freddy to talk again, instead of someone new. Reverse the action and quote, and it should be cleared up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Montros View Post
    Like a mirror image, Morgan revealed his own gun.
    Wait... where'd a Morgan come from? Is that supposed to be Freddy?

    Quote Originally Posted by Montros View Post
    Time stopped in its tracks, as Adam focused his sights on his target, Freddy.
    Remove the "Freddy" in that sentence. I think readers can figure out who the target is, and that throws off the rhythm.

    Quote Originally Posted by Montros View Post
    A strange emotion was printed onto Freddy?s face; it was almost sadness.
    Just more word-pruning.
    Last edited by Bree Fletcher; 12-21-2010 at 11:52 PM.


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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Darkys View Post
    Poor Freddy


    Good work.
    Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    All in all, I think the biggest complaint I can come up with is that your language gets a little clunky in some places. I'll point out the most annoying, but otherwise, I likes it a lot. Well-paced scene, good tension-building, all of that. The first two paragraphs were particularly good for an intro.


    I'd change that into two sentences, or else the rhythm of the paragraph is thrown off. Try: "... named Adam Lewis. At least, that's what..."


    A little wordy. (changes in red above.)


    I had to reread to understand this. The rapid-fire dialogue makes it easy to expect Freddy to talk again, instead of someone new. Reverse the action and quote, and it should be cleared up.


    Wait... where'd a Morgan come from? Is that supposed to be Freddy?
    Crap. I changed around some names, and I forgot that part. Lemme fix that...

    Remove the "Freddy" in that sentence. I think readers can figure out who the target is, and that throws off the rhythm.


    Just more word-pruning.
    Great. This helps out alot, Bree. Thanks.

    "You're a Booby" ~William the Troll

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