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Thread: Galaxy Warz (Revised Edition

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    Cool Galaxy Warz (Revised Edition

    Eons ago,
    on a planet named Earth. Human beings lived together in harmony for many years. On December 30th, 2020, Russia sent two atomic bombs that both hit the north and south poles. The human race was in chaos. The United States had been predicting this action for years. So they sent two massive space shuttles into space each carrying enough people to start up a new population. After seven long years in space, they found a new home. They found ten planets (now called states), and started up a new country. They called this new place Gaea. Humans were divided equally among the states and elected a govenor. Once a govenor was elected they would be sworn in as a member of the Senate of Gaea. There were ten members, which made the decisions as a group. Gaea went through many hardships. Many times their population was almost completely wiped out. For many of their first years of existence, they suffered plague and poverty. Although it was tough, they made it through it. They hung tough. Technology advanced. After eons together, Gaea suffered a fatal blow. Five of the ten council members seperated themselves after the council elected Theodore Rodney president. You see, for years, slavery had been legal in Gaea, but Theodore hoped to change that. Scared they were going to lose their slaves they cowardly left and tried to start their own country.

    After this huge move, it sent Gaea into a massive civil war. It was Gaea vs. United Republic. With Gaea's cause you had, Plamos, Nero, Zackron, Mite, and Leddle. Following the United Republic's cause you had, Tannon, Lamos, Krite, Messel, and brath. When all this went down I was eighteen years old. I was a kid, I thought I was superman. And, to add to all of this, I had a chip on my shoulder. Me and my dad had been fighting since I could remember. If it wasn't for my mom trying to patch things up in their fragile relationship and amazingly always seeming to succeed in taking care of me and keep my dad around, I would have ran away years ago. So when this massive war broke out, and my home state, Nero, started drafting for an army, I readily signed up.

    I was young and stupid. All I wanted to do is make my dad feel bad, make him feel like the true jerk-wad he really was. Turns out, my plan didn't even work! He left my mom soon after and married some bartender! So not only did I fail to anger my dad, I also had to face eight years of war, in which I saw friends die right in front of my eyes. My name is Private James Bradly Wilson, and this is my story of sadness, cruelty, heartbreak, and triumph.
    ****ok guys. This is my revised edition of Galaxy Warz. If it still isn't any good, I'll completely give up this story. I need some people to be brutally honest with me please. I hope you enjoyed it.
    Last edited by TrooperHero; 12-18-2010 at 05:39 PM.

  2. #2
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    Your storyline, in my opinion, has gotten better with this one. First, paragraphs are your friends! There are a few places in that bloc that you could easily make new paragraphs.

    I'll give you more here in a bit, in an edit to this post.

    Edit: Listen to Bree on that. I'd also think about making the history somewhat of a prologue, then use the character intro as the first paragraph of the first chapter. That's personal preference.
    Last edited by Fallbreeze; 12-18-2010 at 04:23 AM.

    Special Props To Don Ezio for this!

    In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death, sacrifice.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fallbreeze View Post
    Your storyline, in my opinion, has gotten better with this one. First, paragraphs are your friends! There are a few places in that bloc that you could easily make new paragraphs.

    I'll give you more here in a bit, in an edit to this post.
    Alright thanks allot,
    so are you saying I should continue with this story?

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    Much better than the first one. Good work.

    Still, I see three major areas for improvement:

    1. Tone, pacing, and mechanics. You're still making awkward changes from third-person impersonal to third-person personal. Either change the impersonal parts to more personal, or improve the transition between the two. Next, though I like that you've developed the character a lot more, it seems like a bit of an information deluge to give me his life's story. Same with the history; space them out a bi more. And... general grammar clean-up would help, though this is least important.

    2. Why? The reason for the split... I don't think making it that mysterious helped any. With a schism that big, anyone with half of a political science degree should have seen the signs for a while coming.

    3. Purpose. You need one. Now, you might have one that you just haven't shown, yet. If that's the case, try to foreshadow it, at the very least, in the beginning. If you don't have a purpose, well... aimless narratives of war experience aren't as interesting as you think.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

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    Ok so the reason for the split,
    what if I added that down the line? Like say maybe one of the charecter's incover some top secret info that states why they seperated?
    Too korny?

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    Quote Originally Posted by TrooperHero View Post
    Ok so the reason for the split,
    what if I added that down the line? Like say maybe one of the charecter's incover some top secret info that states why they seperated?
    Too korny?
    Um... yeah... too korny...

    Maybe I can give you some suggestions when I'm thinking a little better. But point is, you need something solid to convince five planets' worth of people to follow you into war.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

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    This made me think of Alpha Centauri so this story already has my attention.

    My biggest problem is the wall that you call a post. Make some paragraphs to ease my mind.

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    I agree with Skirata. The story itself is good in general, although it does need touching up.

    First of all, you need more than one paragraph. It will help you a LOT when you divide up your story...People can easily read it that way.

    Secondly, I'll take Bree's words and say that yes, you do need a reason for these other guys to start a war. Look at our own history if possible. England had one, the US had one...Most nations did.

    Thirdly, I suggest that you divide the start of the war and the character intro into two separate sections, with the start of it all being a good and round prologue, and expand on your intro and make it into a first chapter. (Again, taking off of Bree's words.)


    Other than minor flaws on the side (which I won't bother with right now ), your story has a potentially brilliant start.


    Formerly known as Jurnis

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    Everyone has already pointed it out, but paragraphs is your friend... When I saw no paragraphs, I didn't care for reading it.
    ProLurker

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    Aww s***. I knew it.

    Sorry, while I was writing my own story I looked back at this one and noticed a few similarities between the introduction. Now I'm gonna look like an un-creative jerk. xD

    "You're a Booby" ~William the Troll

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