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Thread: Associates of Darkness (STORY)

  1. #1
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    Default Associates of Darkness (STORY)

    ~Prologue~
    The night was something different than normal nights. It rained, nothing special about that, and it was very foggy. The street lanterns sent out weak light beams, but the darkness engulfed the beams. That was the difference this night. The foul atmosphere flouting around in the night.
    There wasn't a single soul outside, the streets was completely empty. The stores and houses was all locked, as if the owners knew what was going on. Well, they didn't know what was going on. No one knew.
    A car drove down the street, with confidence, to meet up in a deal. Inside it sat two men, both wearing dresses. The driver had a mustache, and mixed with the green eyes, he was a creepy person. Inside his left pocket resided a gun, a magnum 44. The silver Barret was a fearsome sight, if pointed at you of course.
    The man in the backseat wore shades. He had a soul patch and he had gray eyes, he seemed to be working for the bureaucracy of Fendel. He wasn't.
    When the car arrived at the designated area, a different car waited. It was a black Mercedes, with bolstered armor. Inside it sat two weird and foul figures, with a small suitcase of black leather. They opened the doors, and out came the things. They seemed to be purely darkness, but it was hard to tell. They walked over to the Humans, and the Humans went over to the dark figures. So there they stood, four figures chatting.
    "You are keeping your part of the deal, right?" One of the dark figures asked the character with shades.
    "Yeah, we'll open stuff up for you. You have our money in that suitcase?" He answered, as if this was normal routine.
    "Yes, now be gone before anyone sees us." The thing handed him the briefcase and went into their car. The engines started, and the car drove out in the night. The black Mercedes vanished.
    Left was the two men with their briefcase. With 60 millions of @, the Fendel currency. Then they left the scene, causally.

    (hm)
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  2. #2
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    *Applauds*

    Very good start! It makes me want to read more!
    Formerly known as Jurnis

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    Thank you
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    There isn't really anything to it that makes me want to read more. In other words, it doesn't have a clincher to it, and in prologues, it's usually a Cliffhanger.

    What you did was, you ended the prologue right then and there, clean-cut. No mysteries, and if there was any, it was too vague to notice and ask questions about.

    So I ask you these questions for the next chapter:

    - What and where is Fendle? Detail, please

    - What was the deal about? Leave your audience in the dark, and they'll get confused.

    Also, did you notice that there was almost no personality introduction to those characters? Please be sure to elaborate on that, and make sure the readers can connect to the main character, where ever he may be.

    Good luck!

    "You're a Booby" ~William the Troll

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    Quote Originally Posted by Montros View Post
    There isn't really anything to it that makes me want to read more. In other words, it doesn't have a clincher to it, and in prologues, it's usually a Cliffhanger.

    What you did was, you ended the prologue right then and there, clean-cut. No mysteries, and if there was any, it was too vague to notice and ask questions about.

    So I ask you these questions for the next chapter:

    - What and where is Fendle? Detail, please

    - What was the deal about? Leave your audience in the dark, and they'll get confused.

    Also, did you notice that there was almost no personality introduction to those characters? Please be sure to elaborate on that, and make sure the readers can connect to the main character, where ever he may be.

    Good luck!
    Those characters will not appear until some time. Fendel will be detailed throughout the story. The deal will be revealed throughout the story. The ending in the prologue was because I couldn't think of any continuation.
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    Double post

    Can I haz more response?
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  7. #7
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    Eh, not much to say that Monty hasn't already. I pretty much second his comments.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    Eh, not much to say that Monty hasn't already. I pretty much second his comments.
    O-okay... I guess I'll get back to the drawing board... *Crumbles and throws the story*
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