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Thread: Responsibility (Poem)

  1. #1
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    Default Responsibility (Poem)

    So I just kind of... wrote one. I'm not really a poet, usually...


    Don't-
    leave the yard-
    they said-
    what if-
    you get lost-
    in the woods and-
    we can't find you or-
    you fall in a-
    river and don't come back-
    for ever-
    and never-

    Don't-
    go too fast-
    they said-
    what if-
    you lose your-
    balance and-
    scrape yourself or-
    you break your neck and-
    you can't get up-
    for ever-
    and never-

    Don't-
    take that apart-
    they said-
    what if-
    pieces get strewn-
    on the floor and-
    some get lost or-
    you can't put it together and-
    it doesn't work-
    for ever-
    and never-

    Don't-
    stay up late-
    they said-
    what if-
    you sleep-
    too late and-
    you miss school or-
    you fall asleep for a test and-
    you get bad grades and-
    a bad future-
    for ever-
    and never-

    Don't-
    talk to him-
    they said-
    what if-
    he breaks your-
    heart and-
    you cry all night or-
    he leads you off and-
    defiles you and-
    you can't go back-
    for ever-
    and never-

    Go get a job, they said.
    Why can't you take
    responsibility
    for your own life?
    Last edited by Bree Fletcher; 01-26-2011 at 12:01 AM.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

  2. #2
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    interesting
    both the subject matter and the format.
    i especially like the phrase "forever and never" really pulls out the over all duplicity of the message being protested against.
    secret side note i'm assuming you meant "if" not "it" in the first stanza

  3. #3
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    *claps*
    very good !
    Is there a thread to post poetry we like/wrote? if not should make one! would get to read more !
    Quote Originally Posted by rasterbee View Post
    Hey Sari, change the your "quote" in your sig.
    DONE

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by imnothere View Post
    interesting
    both the subject matter and the format.
    i especially like the phrase "forever and never" really pulls out the over all duplicity of the message being protested against.
    secret side note i'm assuming you meant "if" not "it" in the first stanza
    Quote Originally Posted by <3Sari<3 View Post
    *claps*
    very good !
    Is there a thread to post poetry we like/wrote? if not should make one! would get to read more !
    Thank you both!

    The format was a complete shot in the dark, though. I was hoping to find something that conveyed the way kids have that kind-of-not-listen-yet-actually-absorb-what's-said thing going on. It did work then?


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

  5. #5
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    yeah i thought it worked well. the haltinglyness of it made it stick more

  6. #6
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    Bree, this definitely sounded like something my parents kept saying to me over and over during my childhood. If you had added "Don't take that class, it won't do you any good in the real world", I would have wondered where you hid the camera.

    Special Props To Don Ezio for this!

    In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death, sacrifice.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fallbreeze View Post
    Bree, this definitely sounded like something my parents kept saying to me over and over during my childhood. If you had added "Don't take that class, it won't do you any good in the real world", I would have wondered where you hid the camera.
    It was... just a little observation on some of the recent generation. What I'm understanding from you is, I might have observed correctly.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

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