Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: An Uninvited Guest

  1. #1

    Default An Uninvited Guest

    TAABI woke up, gasping for air. I was blinded by unforgiving darkness. The water all around me- that which had nearly asphyxiated me- was cold, extremely cold. The floor under that was metal of some sort. Slowly I moved to my knees holding my side as I did so. The cold water ran down my body, causing me to gasp out and spasm slightly. I grouped around blindly, trying to find a wall to help me stand. My leg ached terribly, and the warm trickle moving down my back told me I was bleeding somewhere.

    TAABReaching out, my sensation of touch was assailed by some slimy, moving object. Surprised, I immediately chucked it for fear of what it may be. I heard the object hit the wall about two yards away. Crawling over, I sat by the wall to rest.
    TAABBefore I could take another action, the room filled with a green, fuzzy fluorescent glare. I held my hand over my eyes to protect them, but they welled up with tears anyway. Looking through the spaces between my fingers, I could just barely make out the shapes of three men.

    TAAB"Kdo jste-to, co tady děl?" One man asked. I couldn't make out his face for my eyes still ached, neither could I understand what he was saying. I just sat stunned for a bit. The three men looked at each other, and the first one spoke again.
    TAAB"Mluvate česky?" I sat dumbly, unaware of what they where asking.
    TAAB"Snakker du Norsk?" it was the same voice again, but speaking a totally different language. Still unsure, I sat quietly. My chest hurt for some reason and I was having trouble breathing properly.
    TAAB"Parli Italiano?" Once more, I didn't really understand him, but I sort of got what he was going for.
    TAAB"Um, no- " I responded breathlessly. "I am American."

    TAAB"Ah, English, I see." It was one of the other men this time. The glare from the lights had gone down and I managed to move my hand away. Two of the men wore thick brown beards while the man who now spoke had a strange foreign accent and a thin black mustache. "good, now we have talk. Who are you, what your name is?"
    TAAB"Um, I am Zacharia. What is going on? Who are you?"
    TAAB"How did you get on this boat?" The man simply ignored my question. He had a cold stare and deeply set eyes.
    TAABI shook my head. "I don't know- I really don't know. I am trying to remember- I was on a boat I think- something happened. The boat hit a whale or something and I was thrown into the water. Then I woke up."

    TAABThe man gave no physical response to my answer, but continued into his next question. "Who do you work for?"
    TAAB"Huh? I work for Steve's Motors in Atlanta- I, I think I was on vacation in Norway though."
    TAAB"Who do you work for?" The man asked again, the same cold tone chilling me with every word.
    TAAB"I already told you- Ste-"
    TAABThe man interrupted. "Yes, but you lied. Who hired you to find us?"
    TAAB"What?"
    TAAB"Who hired you to find us."
    TAAB"Hired?"
    TAAB"You, to, find, us" The man spoke slowly, as if speaking to a retard.
    TAAB"No one, what do you mean, like a spy?"
    TAAB"Who do you work for?"
    TAAB"I TOLD YOU ALREADY!" If I had not been so damn weak feeling I would've gone over and punched the man in the stomach. The man turned to his two bearded companions and spoke some words quickly in the language they had first spoken to me in.

    TAAB"You must have been hired or be working for someone. You are a spy."
    TAAB"No, I am not- I am not a spy!"
    TAAB"Prove it to me." The man continued to speak without emotion.
    TAAB"I am giving you my word I am not a spy."
    TAAB"The word of a spy is worth even less than no words at all."
    TAABFrustrated, I almost broke down. Regaining my composure, I thought through my next response. "Okay," I said slowly, "Prove that I am a spy."
    TAAB"Sure. Who do you work for?"
    TAABIf the situation hadn't been so dire, it would have been funny to me. "I work for Steve's Motors."
    TAAB"Alright then, if that is so, why did you come to Norway?"
    TAAB"Erm, uh vacation" God, how my head ached.
    TAAB"You don't seem sure."
    TAAB"I am sure. I was on vacation."
    TAAB"Very well. Why would you vacation in Norway?"
    TAAB"Visiting relatives, fishing."
    TAAB"I see. Fishing for what?"
    TAABI could hardly believe that I was just asked that question. "I, I am not even going to answer so stupid a question."

    TAAB"That is all I need to know. Thank you." The man turned around just as the other two men came back. One was holding what looked like a car battery in one of his hands. The three spoke again quickly before the mustached one walked away. The man holding the object stood in the doorway. He readied his arm like he was about to throw the object into the room.
    TAABThen I came to a dark realization- the thing he held WAS a car battery.
    TAAB"Wait, I have more to-"
    TAABSuddenly, everything went dark.
    Last edited by Lord Arumen; 01-22-2011 at 06:59 PM.
    Look for Heights in the RPG and story section


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    RL kiddnapped my, bbl
    Posts
    5,029

    Default

    there is going to be more right? i'm going to beat you with a ..... i dont know what if there isnt.

  3. #3

    Default

    I don't know, I feel it comes to enough closure. lol
    Look for Heights in the RPG and story section


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Cort, chronicling the downfall of Admiral Castas
    Posts
    4,668

    Default

    I think it's fine to end it like you did. However, maybe it requires a bit more in the middle, to make the story feel like it's saying something, like it'll have some sort of impact.

    Also, I suggest looking over some of the descriptions again. Most were fine, but in one or two places I felt that a word was repeated one too many times in the space of a few phrases, or that you loaded up one too many adjectives in too small a space.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    6,923

    Default

    Made me feel like I was in some sort of text based game.

    I liked it.
    Reality scripted TV.
    Chasing fifteen minutes of fame.
    Fight over fuel.
    Violence in school.
    The youth are as confused as I am.

  6. #6

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    I think it's fine to end it like you did. However, maybe it requires a bit more in the middle, to make the story feel like it's saying something, like it'll have some sort of impact.

    Also, I suggest looking over some of the descriptions again. Most were fine, but in one or two places I felt that a word was repeated one too many times in the space of a few phrases, or that you loaded up one too many adjectives in too small a space.

    Alright, I'll take another look at it. I wrote it mostly for dialogue, so descriptions may be lacking.
    Look for Heights in the RPG and story section


  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Cort, chronicling the downfall of Admiral Castas
    Posts
    4,668

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Arumen View Post
    Alright, I'll take another look at it. I wrote it mostly for dialogue, so descriptions may be lacking.
    Oh ja. Dialogue worked. Dialogue I liked.


    That kind old lady stopped the rain for us.
    She said it would only make us cold, and miserable, and sick.
    We thanked her and hugged her and she walked away smiling warmly.
    I miss the puddles...

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •