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Thread: A Burning Incense

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    Oh you know, two poems posted in one night, the better one getting largely ignored.
    some threads get more traffic, and that last part is so debatable

  2. #12
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    From me,

    Pros: It's artistic, and metaphorically, it's unique. I do like uniqueness.

    Cons: First stanza, last two lines don't really rhyme, at least not to me. Plus, while it's artistic and unique, the overuse of the metaphors was confusing. I was left trying to figure out whether the love dying was the focus, or the metaphors were.

    It is my opinion though. I know I've written things that people have been confused over.

    Special Props To Don Ezio for this!

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  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by skirata View Post
    the more you kohl's!!

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  4. #14
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    Anyway, I kind of find it hard to say this in the face of so much glowing reception but...

    Sick, what I see is someone trying to hard. You use so much flowery metaphor and angst-ridden phrases, and even though some of them are well-worded, you seem to think that's the point of the whole thing. However, the whole thing sort of... lacks direction. I don't really see a unifying pattern above the pieces. I don't see any sort of coherency. It just... lacks meaning, in the whole.


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  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    in the whole.
    Heh. In the whole.

  6. #16

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    Love it. I agree with *jdm* I hope to see more in the future

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    ... in the whole.
    You mean 'on the whole', right?

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fallbreeze View Post
    From me,

    Pros: It's artistic, and metaphorically, it's unique. I do like uniqueness.

    Cons: First stanza, last two lines don't really rhyme, at least not to me. Plus, while it's artistic and unique, the overuse of the metaphors was confusing. I was left trying to figure out whether the love dying was the focus, or the metaphors were.

    It is my opinion though. I know I've written things that people have been confused over.
    Well, the metaphors represent one thing literally, and that is an incense. Of course there is a deeper meaning, but that is not dying live. It is love that was 'destined' to die. Yet, the lovers still try to make it last. Like an incense, it burns to live, yet while it is burning it comes ever closer to death. People use incense to calm themselves, to literally cover up the smells of their home or whatever, to comfort them, just like we use denial to cover up a doomed relationship. Even if it's subconscious. Perhaps this explanation, if applied throughout the poem, will help both you and Bree be less confused. But I can do a stanza by stanza break down if it takes that much for you two to comprehend and/or make the connections, I'd be happy to explain myself further. =)
    Also, the rhyme scheme was abab in the first stanza, not aabb. Same as the last stanza.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bree Fletcher View Post
    Anyway, I kind of find it hard to say this in the face of so much glowing reception but...

    Sick, what I see is someone trying to hard. You use so much flowery metaphor and angst-ridden phrases, and even though some of them are well-worded, you seem to think that's the point of the whole thing. However, the whole thing sort of... lacks direction. I don't really see a unifying pattern above the pieces. I don't see any sort of coherency. It just... lacks meaning, in the whole.
    I have a passion for metaphors and allegories. To me, it is a more elegant way to say what you truly mean, so, I use them a lot. In my opinion, the more complicated the better. I've never come across someone who condemns a poem because they cannot understand it. If you don't like my style that's a whole nother thing entirely. I didn't use to like poems filled with confusing phrases that I didn't understand, but I've come to appreciate them because I've realized they come from the heart, and sometimes it's impossible to ever know the true meaning. But thats part of the art of poetry, or writing in general. I dont write to send a message, I simply write to express the way I feel. I dont expect you to try and connect with my feelings, or to understand them, so it's perfectly fine that you don't. I didn't write this to make an impression either, but I can see why you say I'm trying to hard. Some of the lines are a tad forced, don't think I didn't notice. Many writers are overcritical of their own work.
    Some people convey a message in a short precise way. Others take a bit longer. I don't think there's anything wrong with either ways, but it's ok if you do. We're all entitled to our opinions, Bree, and if you expect us to respect yours (which is most of the time fairly respectable imho), then you need to respect other's as well. The means not discrediting them with rude remarks. I feel as though you went about this critique in an incredibly hostile way, for no apparent reason, but nonetheless I appreciate it.
    Last edited by SickbyDefinition; 08-15-2011 at 07:40 PM.

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  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by SickbyDefinition View Post
    Ashing away what's left of its life,
    Burning to live, yet burning to die.
    Incapable of forgiving its own strife,
    To live its life was only to lie.

    Destined for death from its very sweet start;
    You realized too late, that we were too smart.
    Shade us with comfort, soothe us with smells.
    Hide us from harm before we drown in these swells.

    We can pretend this is the reality we know,
    Convince us to stay before we all must go.
    The people won't judge, the people will listen.
    The sound of incense, making our lives glisten.

    The short stick still has a ways to go,
    We still have time to reach a new low.
    Douse the fire so we can smolder forever,
    Did we really even have ties to sever?

    But the incense has got to burn,
    Because it was nothing more than a Lovebird's hum.
    And maybe someday we will learn,
    The Lion's roar is a warning, not a welcome.


    Latest rush of creativity. Watchu guys think
    Okie doke. I promised my proper opinion, but I'm sorry it took me a while. I kind of forgot. >.< Oops.

    Anyways, I definitely got the relationship you were creating between the burning incense and the dying love. These two lines particularly gave it away:
    Douse the fire so we can smolder forever,
    Did we really even have ties to sever?
    Personally, I like those two lines the most out of the rest of the poem, because they are really give feeling of desperation and the unwillingness to change what seems so good. It feels like this poem is from the heart, and while the excessive use of metaphors that some think is...well... excessive... kind of veil the meaning initially, once you look deeper you can sense the emotion in this. Was this by any chance something you experienced or witnessed, Sick?
    I understand all of your metaphors (or at least I think I do), probably because I like metaphors as well. I think your metaphors would also mesh well with a touch of irony. I agree with you when you say you believe they are the more elegant way to express what you truly mean.
    I also agree with Fall when she says that it is a very unique poem, for that it is.
    I would like to see you try and write about something a little more complicated than love (not that I'm saying that love isn't complicated, oh God no), or at least something that the average poet doesn't write about. I think I would like to see how you use metaphors to describe something like isolation or willpower.
    Just as a side note, I dislike giving out positives and negatives too much, as poetry is more about expression than any other type of writing, and who am I to say that your way of expressing things is good or bad? I know some will disagree with my philosophy, but that's the way of the world. They can't tell ME how to express myself either, though.

    There...will that save me from getting the ban-hammer for neglecting to reply?
    Last edited by Arathorn136; 08-16-2011 at 05:52 PM.

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