Dear Dawnseeker:

Feeling lost and alone? Are you confused? Angry? Depressed? Is your life so messed up that it could inspire a country music song? Girl problems? Boy problems? Parent problems? Child-rearing problems?

Do you have a question about etiquette? Do you need to know the proper procedure for re-gifting that hideous sweater you got last Christmas? Which fork do you use for calamari? Is it ok to tell her that those pants DO make her butt look big?

For all of life's little conundrums, Dawnseeker has the answer! He'd be thrilled to offer sane and sound advice to you, our forum members, free of charge. He's a busy man, though, so please pass on all of your "Dear Dawnseeker" questions to me via PM and I will forward the best ones on to him. We'll then post your question (anonymously if you wish) and Dawnseeker's answer here.

Disclaimer: This post was made without the knowledge or consent of Dawnseeker, and your question may or may not be answered humorously by another random staff member. We'll pin it all on Dawnseeker anyways, of course.

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Dear Dawnseeker,

I got a pretty nifty sweater for Kwanzaa last year. It is pink with red stripes, and it has the phrase "Foxy Grandpa" on it. Which moderator would be the best to gift this to?

Regifting FTW

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Dawnseeker says:

Dear Regifting,

Asmo is the obvious answer here, but why do you feel the need to suck up to the moderators? I personally prefer 12 year old single-malt Scotch.

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Dear Dawnseeker,

I hear you're writing a cookbook full of bacon recipes. Is that true, and what are you naming it if it is?

Freya Hogg

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Hey Hogg,

Who leaked that information? Well, I have written one, and it is called The Mother of All Cookbooks and is subtitled "Shock & Awe Your Dinner Guests." It features a lovely photograph on the cover of my famous bacon-wrapped southern fried chicken. We are working for a release in time for the holidays. I'm just trying to perfect the recipes for bacon milkshakes and the bacon-meringue pie.

Watching cholesterol is for sissies.

-Dawnseeker

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My dear Dawnseeker.


What is the minimum daily ration of bacon a human being can subsist on?

As in, oh I dunno... Say that, hypothetically, an ex-Mod "accidentaly" got locked in the basement. Economic times being what they are, after the obligatory water supply and bucket with bag of limestone (sanitary purposes you know), I was wondering if four, maybe five strips would keep Byc... I mean a hypothetical ex-mod in suficient health to last a good while.

Also, does the bacon absolutely have to be cooked?

-The Anonymous Frenchman

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Dear AF,

Bacon is the world's perfect food. I personally ensure I get at least a pound a day, but minimum subsistence would probably be more like 4 strips. I would recommend against cooking it at all. Cooked bacon can be difficult to fit underneath a door, whereas the uncooked variety slides easily. Also, the extra fat that would normally be lost in cooking will give him shinier, softer fur.

Once a week, roll up a worming tablet in a strip of bacon and roll it under the door. That should handle any nasty side-effects.

-Dawnseeker

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Originally Posted by Skirata

I can has mod?

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No. nononononononono

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Dear Dawnseeker,

May we name our first born regardless of sex, Fred?

-Knuckles

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We? Our? Who are you speaking of? Personally, I think you are getting ahead of yourself here. I haven't even agreed to go out with you. No offense, but you aren't really my type.

-Dawnseeker

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Originally Posted by TCWNME

...
Dear Dawnseeker,

Why did I have such trouble putting that pink bra on? Surely these things are meant to be made for ease?

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Because...


It's all a matter of....


You see......


Well, when a boy and a girl....


Sometimes.....


Nevermind. This isn't worth my job.

-Dawnseeker

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Dear Dawnseeker,

Have crip's babies?

If not:

How come?

kthx,

Not Pialpha.

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Dear Not Pialpha,

RE: Offer of Having Crip's Babies

Sir, it is with the greatest regret that I must write to declare my inability to act as an impregnation device / portable gestator for Crip's babies. This is not only due to my inability to provide the suitable bits and bobs required to properly discharge such a responsibility, but also due to the ick factor.

Please accept my humblest apologies and this $5 coupon for Burger King by way of recompense.

~ Boleslav, acting for Dawnseeker.

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Which lolcat do you prefer and how many times has ms kitti posted it in The King's Bar?

Humbly,
-Nesterus B. Lollington

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Dear Nesterus,

The attached picture is most likely my favorite lolcat as it accurately portrays myself at the computer searching the forums.

http://captionsearch.com/pix/thumb/v5b7ju6zry-t.jpg

As for your second question, I have yet to indulge myself with a cold one at the bar, so I am unfamiliar if Mistress Kitti has posted this same picture and if she did, how many times she posted I would not know either.

Keep in mind that as a robot, all I need to intake is my daily portion of a combination of fuel and coffee blended together with a faint taste of lemons in the mix, so beer would only prevent me from beating Foxybunny in the latest competition we have going on.

~Dawnseeker

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Dear dawnseeker,

Please reconsider having my babies?

-Not crip

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Dear NC,

May I suggest you consider enrolling in an online educational class?

http://www.distance-education.org/Co...logy-2017.html

-Dawnseeker

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Dear Dawnseeker,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for sometime that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls alot lately although when I ask their names she always says "Just some friends from work, you dont know them." I always stay awake to look for her taxi coming home, but she always walks round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked up her cell phone to see what time it was and she went berserk saying I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at the moment crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I should fix myself or take back to the dealer?


-Humbly
A Concerned Husband

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Dear Concerned,

You are going to have to man up here and accept that this is probably your fault. Such a beautiful little treasure should always be treated with special care and concern. You should be spending a lot of time with her, telling her how much you love her, touching her gently, and using terms of endearment. When it is cold out, you should be sheltering her with the softest and warmest of cloaks. You should pay attention to her moods and her needs, and you should not expect her to have to tell you what is wrong with your relationship. In other words, you must have been neglecting her sorely to allow things to get to this point.

I am appalled that you should have an oil leak so bad that it is visible at night when you are already distracted. Realistically, your only honorable options are to find a lovely new home for your beloved and then commit seppuku to cleanse your soul, or to posthaste rush her to the nearest Harley dealer and hand over your credit card without flinching.

Oh yeah, and your wife is cheating on you. Ditch her.

-Dawnseeker

Well, somehow, Dawnseeker accidentally put this on my desk instead of Foxy's.

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What, when you get right down to it, is the point of it all, really?

-UU Wizard

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Hey, Wizard,

Normally, it would be a question mark, an exclamation point, a period, or other things of that nature. In this case, the point of it all is just to live, laugh, and find out just how many ways I can "micro manage". These Mods don't have enough to do, it looks like.

-Dawnseeker

Digger Walters,

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Originally Posted by Digger Walters

why must that blasted troll Nesterus live on these forums

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Nesterus is a troll, but your taxonomy is not perfect. The Blasted Troll [monstrum ignis] is normally found around areas of intense heat, such as volcanic vents, sulphuric pools, and west Texas. Most cladists would agree that Nesterus is best classified as being a Common Troll [monstum vulgaris]. While the two species are similar to the untrained eye, the Common Troll has a more pronounced green wart constellation on it's back.

http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/z...e_smirking.jpg
Documentary footage of the monstrum vulgaris. Note the green wart constellation.

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Originally Posted by Digger Walters

can you tell me which mod is the most mentally unstable?

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Well, the last time I brought Bickyz his gruel, I noticed that he had started to chew through his own arm in an attempt to break free from his restraints. That's pretty crazy, huh? It's a good job we keep him locked away in the mod basement.

~ Boleslav, signing for Dawnseeker in his absence.

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Dear Justin Bieber (Dawnseeker),
Why did you break up with me? we had the perfect relationship!

Love,
Grace Elliot

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Dear whoever,

I have no idea who these people are that you speak of. Are you one of those people that thinks vampires sparkle?

-Dawnseeker

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Dear Dawnseeker,

Are you looking forward to "Vampires Suck"? If you haven't heard of it it's the parody on twilight. It's gonna be epic :D

Thanks
TheAntiTwilight

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Dear TheAntiTwilight,

With great pleasure I am looking forward to the movie Vampires Suck, which, in my grandiose opinion, is the movie that "Twilight" is a farce of. I had enjoyed bringing my vuvuzela to the parodies of Vampires Suck and saving the audience from a most horrible fate. Now I come with my baseball bat to beat senseless the twilight fans bringing the vuvuzelas to Vampires Suck, as I am going to enjoy the real movie.

Sincerely yours,
Dawnseeker

P.S. Maybe we both can go in our pajamas and camp outside the movie theater the night it opens!