i know a couple good ones that aren't ut yeah most jokes are like that
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i know a couple good ones that aren't ut yeah most jokes are like that
Most of mine too. >.>Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyhort
Thank you internet for helping me find this. ;o Oh how ironic...I think I used irony appropriately there.Quote:
The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Some funny One-liners
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
it’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
the duct tape one is the best. i live by duct tape :)
Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
i want someone to try this with me... i got it in an email
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse Mod Edit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Soon - This phrase is used answer to questions about patches, updates, releases, by system administrators, assistants, developers and forum board moderators. Soon can mean within five minutes or several days to several weeks, three or more months to even over several years.
They have no idea when a update will be released, or what it will do, but rest assured they are working on it.
To be fair, I have used this answer many times, for similar questions
I wanted to revive the oldest thread that was still useable.... so... here we go
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' ; Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
^Lol
Three kids were playing in a field. John, Jack and Chase. Above the field a military helicopter flew on its way to a base. Inside were 3 soldiers. The 1st bit into an apple and said "Yuck, too sweet" and threw it out the window. The 2nd bit into an orange and said "Eww to sour." and also threw it out. The 3rd pulled the pin on a grenade to test it. "Must be a dud" he said and threw it out the window. On the ground Jack and John were crying and Chase was laughing. Chase asked between laughs, "Whats wrong?" John replied "An apple fell from the sky and hit me." and Jack said "An Orange fell from the sky and hit me. Why are you laughing." Chase calmed and said "I just farted and that building over there blew up."
lmao... i didn't expect the end
A farm girl from Saskatchewan walks into a bar in Calgary and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the farm girl, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The farm girl replies, 'Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Cranbrook . When we all left our home in Saskatchewan, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The farm girl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The farm girl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' she explains, 'It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though.'