Dear Dawnseeker:

[FoxyBunny]

Feeling lost and alone? Are you confused? Angry? Depressed? Is your life so messed up that it could inspire a country music song? Girl problems? Boy problems? Parent problems? Child-rearing problems?

Do you have a question about etiquette? Do you need to know the proper procedure for re-gifting that hideous sweater you got last Christmas? Which fork do you use for calamari? Is it ok to tell her that those pants DO make her butt look big?

For all of life's little conundrums, Dawnseeker has the answer! He'd be thrilled to offer sane and sound advice to you, our forum members, free of charge. He's a busy man, though, so please pass on all of your "Dear Dawnseeker" questions to me via PM and I will forward the best ones on to him. We'll then post your question (anonymously if you wish) and Dawnseeker's answer here.

Disclaimer: This post was made without the knowledge or consent of Dawnseeker, and your question may or may not be answered humorously by another random staff member. We'll pin it all on Dawnseeker anyways, of course.

[FoxyBunny]

Dear Dawnseeker,

I got a pretty nifty sweater for Kwanzaa last year. It is pink with red stripes, and it has the phrase "Foxy Grandpa" on it. Which moderator would be the best to gift this to?

Regifting FTW

Dawnseeker says:

Dear Regifting,

Asmo is the obvious answer here, but why do you feel the need to suck up to the moderators? I personally prefer 12 year old single-malt Scotch.

[FoxyBunny]

Dear Dawnseeker,

I hear you're writing a cookbook full of bacon recipes. Is that true, and what are you naming it if it is?

Freya Hogg

Hey Hogg,

Who leaked that information? Well, I have written one, and it is called The Mother of All Cookbooks and is subtitled "Shock & Awe Your Dinner Guests." It features a lovely photograph on the cover of my famous bacon-wrapped southern fried chicken. We are working for a release in time for the holidays. I'm just trying to perfect the recipes for bacon milkshakes and the bacon-meringue pie.

Watching cholesterol is for sissies.

-Dawnseeker

[FoxyBunny]

My dear Dawnseeker.


What is the minimum daily ration of bacon a human being can subsist on?

As in, oh I dunno... Say that, hypothetically, an ex-Mod "accidentaly" got locked in the basement. Economic times being what they are, after the obligatory water supply and bucket with bag of limestone (sanitary purposes you know), I was wondering if four, maybe five strips would keep Byc... I mean a hypothetical ex-mod in suficient health to last a good while.

Also, does the bacon absolutely have to be cooked?

-The Anonymous Frenchman

Dear AF,

Bacon is the world's perfect food. I personally ensure I get at least a pound a day, but minimum subsistence would probably be more like 4 strips. I would recommend against cooking it at all. Cooked bacon can be difficult to fit underneath a door, whereas the uncooked variety slides easily. Also, the extra fat that would normally be lost in cooking will give him shinier, softer fur.

Once a week, roll up a worming tablet in a strip of bacon and roll it under the door. That should handle any nasty side-effects.

-Dawnseeker

[FoxyBunny]

I can has mod?

No. nononononononono

[FoxyBunny]

Dear Dawnseeker,

May we name our first born regardless of sex, Fred?

-Knuckles

We? Our? Who are you speaking of? Personally, I think you are getting ahead of yourself here. I haven't even agreed to go out with you. No offense, but you aren't really my type.

-Dawnseeker

[FoxyBunny]

...
Dear Dawnseeker,

Why did I have such trouble putting that pink bra on? Surely these things are meant to be made for ease?

Because...


It's all a matter of....


You see......


Well, when a boy and a girl....


Sometimes.....


Nevermind. This isn't worth my job.

-Dawnseeker

[FoxyBunny]

Dear Dawnseeker,

Have crip's babies?

If not:

How come?

kthx,

Not Pialpha.

Dear Not Pialpha,

RE: Offer of Having Crip's Babies

Sir, it is with the greatest regret that I must write to declare my inability to act as an impregnation device / portable gestator for Crip's babies. This is not only due to my inability to provide the suitable bits and bobs required to properly discharge such a responsibility, but also due to the ick factor.

Please accept my humblest apologies and this $5 coupon for Burger King by way of recompense.

~ Boleslav, acting for Dawnseeker.

[FoxyBunny]

Which lolcat do you prefer and how many times has ms kitti posted it in The King's Bar?

Humbly,
-Nesterus B. Lollington

\

Dear Nesterus,

The attached picture is most likely my favorite lolcat as it accurately portrays myself at the computer searching the forums.



As for your second question, I have yet to indulge myself with a cold one at the bar, so I am unfamiliar if Mistress Kitti has posted this same picture and if she did, how many times she posted I would not know either.

Keep in mind that as a robot, all I need to intake is my daily portion of a combination of fuel and coffee blended together with a faint taste of lemons in the mix, so beer would only prevent me from beating Foxybunny in the latest competition we have going on.

~Dawnseeker

[FoxyBunny]

Dear dawnseeker,

Please reconsider having my babies?

-Not crip

Dear NC,

May I suggest you consider enrolling in an online educational class?

http://www.distance-education.org/Co...logy-2017.html

-Dawnseeker