Lord Arumen's 360 Degree Advice

[Lord Arumen]

Given that this forum has seemed to be taking on a whole new monster- that of the advice column, I figured I'd jump aboard the bandwagon with my new, 360 Degree Advice Column!

I will field any question, in a way as requested by the person who posts/private messages/telepathically sends the question. Here are the different styles that I am currently willing to produce:

Real: Want a serious answer? Then I will say what I think

POV: Want an answer from the point of view of a Marine? How about a Pole Dancer? Maybe a Baby? Request POV, and you may request the POV person to, but I have a choice to reject your request. If you ask for a POV of a poster, I need that persons permission

Poem:
Want your response in verse?
I won't even have to rehearse
I can think of a rhyme
so long as I have the time

Misunderstanding: Want me to purposely misunderstand your question? Get ready for a weird answer.


Have fun. ^_^
Make suggestions for more styles if you can think of something that I missed.

[Montros]

Have you ever seen "Full Metal Jacket"? (Not a serious question, just want to check on something)

[pialpha]

POV: Atom
Misunderstanding
Poem
___________________________

Dear Dr. Professor Atom Arumen Guy,

When will you get more free time to give everyone hugs?

Sincerely,
Pi

[imnothere]

POV request; butterfly; garden; what type of flowers are best to plant?

poem request; i'm in love and dont know what to get my sweetheart for christmas

misunderstanding; so my friend and me were talking the other day and he said his daughter asked for some candy so he gave her a puppy and then she named it something unmentionable and he couldnt bare to tell her why she couldnt name her puppy that so he let it go and now she is running around the neighborhood telling people she is looking for a ...... well i already said i cant say so what ever, anyway what should my friend do?

[Lord Arumen]

Have you ever seen "Full Metal Jacket"? (Not a serious question, just want to check on something)

No- is it good?

POV: Atom
Misunderstanding
Poem
___________________________

Dear Dr. Professor Atom Arumen Guy,

When will you get more free time to give everyone hugs?

Sincerely,
Pi

Due to my amazingly small size,
I can understand why you do prize-
a gift from myself, being nuclear
At the same time it is unclear
that although the movement of my electrons is hyper
that you might request a diaper...

poem request; i'm in love and dont know what to get my sweetheart for christmas

Gifts are Christmas are sometimes challenging
But you can succeed if you just keep trying
More often than not, a gift that is handmade
(especially if you are not extremely high paid)
Means more to a man than a dropping 50 dollars
to buy him some shoes, or perhaps an arrow collar
So make him something that shows your affection
or dress up the way he likes and give him an- nice Christmas
But I have no doubt that it would be quite true
that all he wants for Christmas, is you.

misunderstanding; so my friend and me were talking the other day and he said his daughter asked for some candy so he gave her a puppy and then she named it something unmentionable and he couldnt bare to tell her why she couldnt name her puppy that so he let it go and now she is running around the neighborhood telling people she is looking for a ...... well i already said i cant say so what ever, anyway what should my friend do?

Poor little Something Unmentionable. That dog must have been made fun of by all the other dogs in the neighborhood. Still, your friend ought to have the guts to tell his daughter that naming her dog Something Unmentionable is a really weird thing to do, and change it, instead of letting it go. Now his daughter will be running down the streets shouting "Something Unmentionable! Where are you Something Unmentionable!" And that is seriously wordy.




I will answer any I skipped later, just need more time to think

[Demonhero]

Why do you think this thread will last where no other has?

[BigBlugga]

Real: I think my right hand is cheating on me. Advice?

[Lord Arumen]

Why do you think this thread will last where no other has?

I don't. Haha. No threads last per se, save The Bar and that is only for the fact we have free range to spam in it. Does that suggest that at heart we are all spammers in the end? Quite possibly yes. So why did I make this thread? Because I like to write, and this gives me a chance to write creatively.

[Lisa0315]

My daughter just got married. When will she make me a grandmother? I like poetry, so please post your answer in a poem.

[Lord Arumen]

Real: I think my right hand is cheating on me. Advice?

Okay, this is always a bad thing. Usually, it is the left hand that cheats- we read about it all the time in the papers- , but this right hand stuff always comes as a surprise to the person who has loved it for many years. Since it sounds like you are not sure whether or not it cheats, try a couple different things. See how it reacts when you start show excessive attention. If it acts confused or angry, it means you have startled it and it may be feeling guilty for some reason. Also, you could distance yourself from it. If it doesn't notice, then it doesn't care enough about you.

If you find out Righty is cheating on you, call 1-800-handsoff for support services.

My daughter just got married. When will she make me a grandmother? I like poetry, so please post your answer in a poem.

I am writing this one, but need a bit of time to put it together.