And now for something completely different...

[Richie_B]

i've got to watch monty python to understand these jokes

I've never seen it but I have watched Fawlty Towers. (Very funny show with John playing Basil Fawlty, a hotel owner.)

@Rota, I remember that episode; possibly the funniest out of the lot!

[Basil has accidentally set off the burglar alarm during the fire drill, guests start walking out of the building thinking it's the fire alarm, but Basil stops them all in the lobby]
Mrs. Wilson: Oh I thought that was the drill.
Basil Fawlty: Yes there is, at twelve o'clock.
Mrs. Wilson: But, it is twelve o'clock.
Basil Fawlty: Well not quite.
[to guests that try to leave]
Basil Fawlty: Excuse me!
Mrs. Wilson: Well, I make it twelve o'clock.
Basil Fawlty: [to guests] Im afraid that wasn't the...
Mrs. Wilson: What time do you make it, Major?
Basil Fawlty: [annoyed] Look...
Major Gowen: Burglars about, I think.
Basil Fawlty: Look, it doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet.
Mrs. Sharp: What?
Basil Fawlty: It hasn't started yet!
Mrs. Sharp: But, that was the bell wasn't it?
Basil Fawlty: No!
Mrs. Wilson: He means the *drill* hasn't started yet.
Mr. Sharp: What drill? We didn't hear a drill.
Basil Fawlty: [trying to explain] No, no no no, look, look - that was the burglar alarm.
Major Gowen: See!
Mrs. Wilson: The burglar alarm?
Basil Fawlty: Yes!
Mrs. Wilson: Are there burglars?
Major Gowen: Evidently!
Basil Fawlty: [increasingly annoyed] No! Look, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple: we have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell- That wasn't the fire bell!
Mr. Sharp: Well, how are we supposed to know that wasn't the fire bell?
Basil Fawlty: Because, it doesn't sound like the fire bell.
All guests at once: It did.
Basil Fawlty: It didn't!

[Wildor]

Please, my boy, I'm nothing more than aged flesh and bones.

Looking for an argument, are we?



Man- I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist Certainly, sir. Have you been here before...?
Man- No, this is my first time.
Receptionist- I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man- Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist- Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man- Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist- Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment ... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory ... yes, try Mr. Barnard - Room 12.
Man- Thank you.
The man walks down a corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk.
Mr Barnard- (shouting) What do you want?
Man- Well I was told outside ...
Mr Barnard- Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man- What!
Mr Barnard- Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!
Man- Look! I came here for an argument.
Mr Barnard- (calmly) Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse.
Man- Oh I see, that explains it.
Mr Barnard- No, you want room 12A next door.
Man- I see - sorry. (exits)
Mr Barnard- Not at all. (as he goes) Stupid git.

Outside 12A. The man knocks on the door.

Mr Vibrating - (from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man- Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating- I've told you once.
Man- No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I have.
Man - When?
Mr Vibrating - Just now!
Man- No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did!
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- I'm telling you I did!
Man- You did not!
Mr Vibrating- I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man- Oh ... Just a five-minute one.
Mr Vibrating- Fine (makes a note of it; the man sists down) thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man- You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating- Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you!
Man- You did not.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating - Yes I did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did!!
Man- Look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating- Yes it is.
Man- No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating- It is not.
Man- It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating- No I didn't.
Man- Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating- No, no, no, no, no.
Man- You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating- No, nonsense!
Man- Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
Man- Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- It can be.
Man- No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man- But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.
Mr Vibrating- Yes it is.
Man- No it isn't, Argument is an intellectual process ... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating- Not at all.
Man- Now look!
Mr Vibrating- (pressing the bell on his desk) That's it. Good morning.
Man- But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating- Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man- That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating- I'm afraid it was.
Man- No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating- I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man- What!?
Mr Vibrating- If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man- But that was never five minutes just now ... oh Come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating- I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man- Oh. all right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating- Thank you.
Man- Well?.
Mr Vibrating- Well what?
Man- That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating- I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man- I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't.
Man- I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't.
Man- Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating- Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man- Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing ... got you!
Mr Vibrating- No you haven't.
Man- Yes I have ... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating- Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man- I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating- No you haven't.
Man- Oh shut up!

[imnothere]

my fave episode is the one with the brain surgeon.
Mr Gumby: my brain hurts
Dr: well lets take a look at it Mr Gumby
*snicker*

[Nesterus]

it was only a matter of time

[five strings]

potcatdrotflmaoec that part about us scots was crack on

[DeSalvionjr]

Somebody is Winning