What are your best Jokes?

[Pieman]

Joke: An Irishman walked out of a bar.

I wish we could live in a world where a chicken could cross the road and not have its motives questioned.

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

Winnie the Pooh characters are on drugs. Eeyore is several depressed and has slow reactions. Piglet is afraid of everything. Rabbit is nosy and always is in everyones business. Tigger cant calm down and is extremely hyper. Pooh cant stop eating and has a crazy imagination. Christopher Robin sees talking animals.

I went outside once. The graphics are awesome, but the gameplay sucks.

Friends are like potatoes. When you eat them, they die.

I learned how to spell "Beautiful" from Bruce Almighty.

Roses are red, although there are some yellow, white, and pink varieties. Violets aren't blue, they're violet, hence the name. I have OCD, and I'm not very good at poetry.

I wonder how people would react if I walked into Seaworld with a fishing pole.

The titanic backwards is about a magical ship that emerges from an iceberg and saves people.

A dog thinks: These people feed and take care of me, they must be Gods!
A cat thinks: These people feed and take care of me, I must be God!
A fish thinks: These people feed and- Oh my goodness a rock!

My Mom thought "lol" meant "Lots of Love". The other day she texted me, "Your grandma died. Lol"

Think of a number between 1 and 20. Double it. Subract 18, add 1, subtract the number you started with. Now close your eyes....
Dark, isn't it?

I hate weddings because old people always poke me and say, "You're next."
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[XxflamesxX]

a care

What is one of these?

Joke: An Irishman walked out of a bar.

Ok, that made me full on lol!

[rasterbee]

If your family refers to your wives private parts as Ground Zero You might be a redneck.

As an American that offends me. Ground Zero isn't something to joke about. I don't care if you are a Muslim some of us lost friends and pets that day that we'll never see again ever. My dead father wouldn't laugh at THAT joke. Show some class next time, Murtagh.

[Korakc]

for some reason iv gotten like 3 red reps for that joke

[FailSafe]

*Rubs Forehead Twice*

There's a new Philosophy profesor at the University, and he decides to start by giving all of his students a test. He picks up a chair, puts it on his desk, and announces, "Prove to me that this chair DOES NOT exist." The students are a bit shocked, but eventually they all start writing. After 5 minutes, one student gets up, hands in his paper, and leaves. The rest of the students are confused, but keep writing. By the end of the class, the kids were turning in 5-6 page essays trying to prove the chair didn't exist. Only one student got an A, the one that finished first. His paper read, "What chair?"

love this one!

there was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived.

Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there.

One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"hello, mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, i heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"i'm sorry," replied the head monk, "i can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the bigger boy made a ham and cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"hey, mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, i heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"i'm sorry," replied the head monk, "i can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

sadly, the big boy got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the strapping youth grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"yo, mr. Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, i heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"i'm sorry," replied the head monk, "i can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

sadly, the strapping youth got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sportscar.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sportscar, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, i heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"i'm sorry," replied the head monk, "i can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day.

The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery.

He honked the horn of his convertible sportscar until the head monk finally opened the door.

"alright, mr. Monk, i want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!"

"i'm sorry," replied the head monk, "i can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

"well, then can i become a monk?"

"why certainly! It is quite easy. You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk."

so the young man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk.

"oh, mr. Monk, i have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 123,123,123,123,123 blades of grass in the fields and 123,123,123,123,123 grains of sand on the beaches and i would like to become a monk."

so the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery.

"mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?" asked the new monk.

The head monk replied, "the source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. This key will show you the answer you seek."

"take this key to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise."

well, of course the new monk went immediately to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and there he did indeed find the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end.

Here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after so many, many, many years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself.

Slowly, the quite old monk slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the quite old monk to open the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realized the answer to his question!

Do you want me to tell you what it was?

I'm sorry, i can't tell you. You aren't a monk.

i hate you!!!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Korakc]

lmao...
heres one:
well its not very good but its clean well.. sorta.

4 people and a genie are on a plane. the plane is low on fuel and there is nowhere to land. the genie says each of u can tell me one thing and wen u jump out of the plane u will land in it. the first man says bankets so he lands on blankets. the seond says pillows, the third says sheets, but the fourth trips on his way out and says crap. u can imagine wat he landed in.

[FailSafe]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F#@K him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

My wife said "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!"..


I chastised her for omitting the else clause..

[XxflamesxX]

Failsafe, A quick tip. Instead of double posting Click Edit at the end of your last post and add on in that one.

[ErenVindbeemi]

I am extremely pleased to of became a member of this specific forum and I look forward to be able to chatting along with you inside here soon.

[Heraclius]

^That, that is the best joke on this thread. heh Kidney Stone Treatment.