GNN presents: Galactic celebrities.
Volume 77: The Achenaran Emperor, Donald III
________________
"Good evening, Orion arm. I'm Ron Burgundy, bringing you Galactic News Network, the most galactic of all news networks in the Galactic Arm. Today we have an exclusive presentation on one of the key players in Galactic Politics. Sylvia will be presenting you with 'To fill a power vaccuum,' a biography of the Achenaran Emperor himself! Go ahead, Sylvia."
Burgundy sat back as the celebrity hot topic came on the air. "Thanks, Ron. So there have been a lot of requests to add men of power to our Celebrity Hot Topic, so we decided to start from the top: The Achenaran Emperor himself! That's right, it's Donald III of Achenar."
The display shifted to a holographic image of the Emperor of Achenar. "Handsome, isn't he, ladies? And he's single, too. My my my, but you'll have to fight me for him. However, I hear tell that despite the looks, he's actually rather clueless when it comes to romantic relationships. Isn't that charming of him?"
"The Achenaran Emperor looks young, but he's actually a bit older than he seems. Why, you ask? Well, that would be due to the chrysalis technology introduced to Achenar by the the Surian Empire. The cutting edge of biotech engineering, it can make one look as young as they like! To hell with cosmetics, give me a chrysalis any day!"
"When asked his age," said Sylvia, "The Emperor responded, 'I stopped counting at 21.' That's 21 Achenaran years, ladies... they're longer than Galactic Standard years. It seems to be some sort of inside joke from some underdeveloped world where one was not considered to be an adult until they were 21 of the local years old, but let's not get in to that currently. The Emperor's sense of humor is, admittedly, quite odd, after all."
"So, the political career of Donald III..." said Sylvia. "Well, I'm not much for politics, but apparently he was selected by the Achenaran Council of Kings due to... get this... his low charisma. Apparently, the council decided that an uncharismatic ruler would be easy to control, but they hadn't taken into account his... strong will, let's call it. Still, in his relatively short time as Emperor, Donald III has expanded the frontiers of the Achenaran Imperium to more than double the diameter of their sphere of influence. That's nearly eight times the number of star systems his predecessor controlled, for those of you like me who got a C in geometry. Wow! No wonder he has no time for dates!"
"When asked how he was able to do it, the Emperor shrugged and said, 'The Prometheans left a power vacuum when they vanished a thousand years ago. Achenar rose as an Imperium early enough to fill it, is all.' Not much mention of his own efforts there, it seems."
"That's about all the time we have," said Sylvia, "Oh, but before we go, I should point out one of our main rivals for the Emperor's affection. Rumor has it that the Princess of Purity has been proposed by her father, the King of Wirus, as a potential candidate to be the next Achenaran Empress. What competition we have, in that regard! What will Donald's response be? The suspense is just killing me! Back to you, Ron."
"Thank you, Sylvia," said Burgundy, sliding his shot glass under the table so it couldn't be seen. "A couple headline notes before we go: The Surian Empire announced the extermination of the Galactic Nemesis last week. If you missed our exclusive on it, you should be able to check it out during the review casts. Additionally, the Achenaran Emperor you just heard about released a challenge to all Achenaran Blademasters, inviting them to a Tournament of Masters on Achenar IV. Word is, the Emperor himself is a blademaster, and seeks to test his skills against the best. More on that in Sports News, so stay tuned! This is GNN and I'm Ron Burgundy. Stay Open, Orion!"
Bookmarks