Jokes thread

[pialpha]

You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...


1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

3. You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.

5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

7. Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

8. You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.


10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

11. Your pet rock snaps at you.

12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

14. Your income tax refund check bounces.


15. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

[Ashley39]

5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Done that before.... lol

[TheEclipse]

Done that before.... lol

me too lmao

[StormSurge]

You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...


1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
Done it.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
/Done it.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
Is that supposed to be "stinks"? If so: Done it.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

7. Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

8. You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

Done it, except instead of grapefruit, it was a box of tampons.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
Done it.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
WHY ROCK! WHY???
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Done it. Turns out, I punched a hole in the wall, hitting a pipe, breaking an already weakened seal.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.

15. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
If by "spouse" you mean crazy ex-girlfriend who stalked you for six months, then: Done it.

And that's why I stop drinking when I no longer think I'll remember things.

[Wildor]

You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...


1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

3. You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.

5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

7. Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

8. You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.


10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

11. Your pet rock snaps at you.

12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

14. Your income tax refund check bounces.


15. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

This deserves recognition as a "classic"!

Bravo!!!

[JoshsMelon]

A man is working outside when he notices his wife come of the shower in their room. He yelled to her "Hunny, where's the rake?". She looked at him, and not wanting to yell with the bedroom window closed pointed at her eye, grabbed her left breast, slapped her rear and pointed at her crotch.

Bewildered, the husband goes inside and asked "What in the world was that suppose to mean?"

The wife responded "I left it behind the bush"

[PU239]

Mark came home early from an out of town meeting, wanting to surprise his wife, mark didn't told her he was going home early.
Mark saw his husband on their room naked and sweating.
"baby why are you naked and sweating?"
"it's pretty hot and I don't have anything to wear"
"that's crazy you have a lot of dress"
*opens closet door*
"you have a blue dress, a red dress, a green dress, Hi tom, a black dress....."

[DeSalvionjr]

Why did the chicken cross the roa... *gets slapped in face for bringing up old jokes*

[Rodri]

I watched my girlfriend logging in to play an online game and I was suprised to see her password was - 'MickyMinnieGoofyPlutoDonaldHueyDeweyLewey'.

When I asked her why she had such a long password she said;
"I know it's long but it said my password had to be at least eight characters."

[Nerevar2]

A husband was in big trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary.

His wife scathingly told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday